Shatter
by theshadow1996
Summary: This is a story about a Conan that can't hold his mask up anymore. What will happen when the cards all fall, and the truth wins over the lies, even though it is not in his advantage. How will he fight that which he is supposed to protect? Reviews appreciated. Will be ConanxHaibara


There is only one truth. Words he lived by a long time ago. Words that now are just another broken piece of his sense of self, not really fitting anywhere in the jagged puzzle he put together in the haste of starting a new identity. Where was Shinichi ending and where was the beginning of Conan in this fucked up life he found himself in?  
Usually he was focused and determined, chasing evildoers giving his all and refusing to leave an open window for his self pity to start spreading poison in his mind. This day was different, however. This day he woke up and wished he was dead. Looking in the mirror, staring into those blue orbs, once so vibrant with life and cleverness, now dull and exhausted, he saw himself for what he was. A ghost. He was supposed to be dead, instead blood was still pumping in his veins. He was supposed to protect those he held dear, instead he was constantly putting them in danger, going as far as making that hopeless fool the greatest detective of Tokyo. Deep inside, he knew. He knew that he was painting a huge bullseye on the old man's forehead, and he also knew he had no right to.

And Ran... He was so tired of lying... So tired of lying... Lying to those innocent eyes, that held weakly veiled hope within them, saying „Shinici left this for you" or „Shinichi said that he will return and asked you to wait for him.". He gritted his teeth. Lying bastard. What right did he have to make her suffer like this? He was dirty, with lying and deceit, with uncertainty in his feelings and sefishness. He didn't deserve an Angel, as Vermouth used to call her.

As he got into the shower, the water fell heavy on his little body. He cursed. As soon as he went out on that bathroom door, he will have to smile. He will have to go to a useless school, as he did for the past year. He will have to watch boring cartoons feigning interest, chat with the kids that kept following him like he was their savior, leave himself to be knocked around by a drunk Kogoro and watching the sad expression on Ran's face.

He sighed as he got dressed. Maybe he didn't sleep well. He managed to get this far in this tiny body, fooling almost everyone and furthering his investigation without many mistakes, surely he can do this until the end, right? He had to. He couldn't fail when he sacrificed so much, and put so much effort into the investigation. Regardless of his feelings, he had a moral duty as a detective to see this until the end. He didn't feel his words resonating with his being anymore. He didn't care today.

The table was set and the breakfast was served by a tired looking Ran, trying her best to prepare everything as quickly as she could, since she was late for school. Since Kogoro was still asleep – holding off the hungover a bit more – the two of them started eating after an empty Idatakimasu. Conan felt that he couldn't for the life of him rise the corners of his mouth in a simple smile, and the first jolt of fear flashed through his heart. Something was happening to him, and his mask was cracking. After an entire year of meticulously constructing his identity and bearing through it all, the first crack has appeared. Seems like the human mind is only so resilient.

His eyes wondered towards the dark haired beauty sitting on the other side of the table. She had dark rings under her eyes. He remembered waking up to silent sobs last week, when she timidly asked him to sleep in her room. He sat there, feeling completely powerless as his childhood friend was crying through the night, the first rays of sun touching her exhausted eyes as she looked at their photo on her nightstand. He understood her at that moment, in a flash of empathy. He saw then how deep the pain of her uncertainty went. She didn't know if he was alive. Everytime he called, she was afraid of another voice being on the other end of the phone. Life was fleeting. Their career convinced them of that.

„Conan-kun."

His eyes met the gentle expression without flinching. This was different. This felt different.

„Yes?"

That didn't sound like Conan. Neither did it sound as Shinici. Somewhere in between. If she noticed, she didn't show it. Instead, she took a few seconds to seemingly weight her words carefully.

„Sonoko asked me to join her for a double date. Tonight."

Her eyes were scanning his calmly. Conan was often against other guys going out with his „Nee-chan", so Ran could be telling him this because of his possessive attitude. She wanted her little brother to be ok with it. It was either this, or _she knew_. The way her eyes were searching his, daring for an open conversation – they looked too mature to be addressed to a young boy that was still afraid of getting cooties form a girl. This, however, was not the first time Sonoko tried to coax her single friend into hooking up with somebody, and Ran refused so many times, that he was not exactly worried.

„And what did you tell her?"

His answer came off more calmer than she expected, because her eyes widened for a fraction of a second.

„I promised her that I will accompany her. Don't wait for me at dinner."

She bit her lip. He froze up.

„It's nothing much. Just something of a blind date with a guy Sonoko knows, that apparently had a crush on me for some time and asked her to meet us."

His mind started working again, muffling the sharp twinges that were now stabbing into his chest. He saw the decision etched into her expression, and he understood that her glass was full. She could take no more. Just as he could not take a single day of this miserable life anymore. His head tilted down, and as his hair shadowed his eyes, he clenched his fist under the table, feeling his stomach flipping, and his heart being torn to pieces violently inside his chest. The bite he just took from Ran's lemon pie tasted like ashes on his tongue. With a sharp intake of breath he also realized what he's been eating. She knew. She knew her lemon pie was his favorite food, and she made it as a farewell gift. She knew all along, and he missed his chances.

„ I hope it will work out for you two."

It took so much to say that. He felt shattered outside and he felt shattered inside, and that sentence took more power to say that he knew he had. He forced a more Conan – like voice one more time.

„ _Ran-nee-chan_ , it's already half past eight. You are going to be late, and the teacher will make you do extra homework again."

She gave him a broken, but determined look. She expected him to admit. He probably just missed his final opportunity to have a future with Ran, by choosing the lie over the truth. He turned his head to look at the big clock on the wall, while subtly wiping a droplet of liquid from the corner of his eye. Ran stood up, already dressed and ready for school. With a slightly choked voice, she asked him to wash the dishes; then, as if a scary thought flashed throughout her mind, she added:

„See you later, Conan-kun... Right?"

And as Conan started to gather the plates, he tensed for a second. Then, he turned his face away from Ran, walking towards the sink.

„Sure. Have fun."

The front door closed, as the girl left the house. And as her steps got further away on the stair leading towards the street, he felt his soul being forcefully pulled along and getting further and further. His knees buckled, and he found himself on the floor, looking on lifelesly at the empty space ran used to occupy during breakfast. And while the water overflowed in the sink and started pooling around his feet on the floor, he felt that he could not stay a single moment in that house. It wasn't right. She _knew_. She knew all along. And she let him get away with using her father and lying to her on a regular basis, always worrying her when he disappeared at „Agasa's" and shutting her off from his life, not entrusting her with his secret. Not even when she let him know she knew... He has been too much of a coward to admit and give her for once the truth.

He rose up, closed the water and walked towards the room he shared with Kogoro. The old drunk was still sleeping, and it was likely he will sleep for another few hours. He silently gathered the few possessions that he had and headed towards the door. He turned and gave the house a last look. He knew he should write a letter explaining his disappearence, but he didn't had enough power to do that. Instead, he figured that he will tell them something through Agasa. A thought struck him and he pulled out the agency and house keys from his keyring and left them on the table. Then opened the door, stepped out, closed it, and left.


End file.
